I have had an on going struggle for some time. Nothing major just things going on inside me with how I have felt lately and fighting inner battles.
My husband is great... great support, great friend, has a great job and supports our family.
My kids are great. Sarah graduated college with a degree in Public Relations, had a great career with a Tek Systems at the moment.
Andrew is going in to illustration / art at college but at the moment taking a break to decide what college to finish at.
Me well.... I am me. it seems since I had my hysterectomy I have been trying to figure out who I am. Not that the hysterectomy caused anything, I was rather emotional before, and it's great not having those really emotional times when the old period time rolled around. (SO great not having those anymore) ... but it kind of marked a time of life for me I think. My kids were living their own lives, and I needed to figure out who I was / am.... I lived my life for my kids... and now I needed to live my life for me I guess. But what did that mean?
My job changed to a new office, I didn't get the public contact that I usually like.. I loved it working at the bakery, and when I started at First American (surprisingly I LOVE taking to people I don't know) , I was the receptionist, but with management changes and things I thought I would be better off switching to an office where I did data entry.
I loved it / but didn't at the same time. I was on an emotional roller coaster.
I remember one time going to my sister-in-laws house for a celebration of my parents wedding anniversary, and they played the video that was made on their 50th wedding anniversary. I am a sentimental person.... I almost can't look at pictures of my kids because I miss those little kids but yet it brings a smile to my face. My kids always bring a smile to my face. But that day, I remember seeing my little kids on that video and I got all sentimental and mushy inside and cried a bit. I have always been a crier..... once I start I can't seem to quit.
But it was that day than my sister in law with good intentions said she thought I might need to have my estrogen increased..... I thought , well ... there must be something wrong with me.
So the next time I went to my OB Gyn I mentioned it, and of course started bawling on the doctor table,.... sentimental me thinking I was crazy and feeling bad for it I guess.
So she immediately prescribed anti-depressants. Which I took because I thought that is what I had.
but that was the worst thing ever. I would get mad.... and I remember I almost growled at my daughter on the phone! I was also taking Black Cohosh..... I watched a Doctor show on TV and they said that might increase your lebido(not sure how to spell that).... which I thought I needed because ever since my hysterectomy, sex was the last thing I thought about.
Anyway... I quit taking both of those. But with a desk job, I noticed I had started to gain weight... and that was depressing me too, if depression was what I really had. I had always been in charge of my weight and could control it, but I kept gaining and gaining... so I tried diets and exercise but never really found anything that worked.
And visits to my OB gyn provided different anti-depressants. Which I felt fine with at first but the longer I took them the more I felt.......depressed??? Down is a a good word... so down and dark I didn't want to get out of bed. Can anti-depressants cause depression??? yes I think they can.
Besides feeling so down and dark a lot I thought well, if I keep myself busy, then I can't think about it. I had started my recipe blog, which soon took over me.... I thought I was a celebrity, and comments and oooh I love your recipe for this and this... and comments of you should own your own bakery, and you need a restaurant... became who I was. And if I couldn't have that bakery, or restaurant, I became more down... because I thought that's who I was......have you really thought about getting into the restaurant business / or bakery business??? you don't have time for anything else! Restaurant people work 16 hours or more a day? no time for life!!!
I don't think that is really what I want!
But I did take a cake decorating class from Michaels. that has always been on my Bucket list of things to do.... LOVEd it. But soon I started making cakes for people... and the more practice I got the better I got which was good for me.... but people are funny. The more you are willing to do for them the more they ask and seem to take advantage of you. I never know what to charge people cuz they are my friends and I hate charging for my cakes because I am far from a professional. And I love making them... but my stars... one weekend I had 3 cakes... that was a breaking point... enough I said! I still made a few cakes for friends because they had been promised but believe me... I'm not getting that crazy into it again.
I also crocheted... I like keeping my hands busy while watching tv so I wouldn't eat.....but that ran away with me too.. pretty soon friends asked me to make this and this and this..... goodness.
Then I thought I would go back to beauty school...Ha! that was only for a few months... I found out i have early stages of arthritis...but it gave me an out on my crazy beautician notion... I may have liked it but then again ... I don't think I would have.
That was my working side of it all....there is a religious side too....
I got released from Young Women's soon after my hysterectomy. I was ready for that. but I wasn't ready for that spiritual mantel to go away that you sometimes get with a calling... I felt sad and lost. Then I got asked to teach relief society .... I was really nervous but put my whole self into it. And studied and prepared for my lessons which went really well at first. But I started feeling myself getting to be known for that? does that make sense? so if I didn't get praise after teaching I felt I had failed indeed.
After 2 years + of that I felt really ready to be released...topics become repetitive and so I didn't put my whole self into it.
I got released ...... but got asked to be the Young Women's president. At first I was sure! I can do that. After all I loved the young women... but then it hit me. All the responsibilities and things. I called a presidency and felt good about it . But I was surprised at how hard it can be to work with different people and meshing everyone's personalities. Anyway... after a few months I had a major melt down. I felt like going inactive. I also questioned my faith.... my testimony.... I had a strong one before that. I still struggle with it... wondering why does the gospel make you go to all these meetings/ sometimes there are meetings just to have meetings. Do they accomplish anything? I had girls quit coming to YW's and felt like they didn't like me... it was something I did. How do you make girls get more excited??? but then after thinking back to when I was a teenager... nothing or no one could make me go if I didn't want to.
I do have a strong testimony of prayer and that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ really really do care and they don't abandon you..even though at the time I felt like they had. but looking back a year and half later they were with me more than I know. The first of last year was like awful.. I felt so dark... and had no desire to do anything. But this last summer, I have prayed... REALLY prayed for help. Help to find the real me... Help to have the energy to exercise and lose weight. just plain HELP.
I know this sounds terrible ... but after one of those prayers I had the thought of the times when I was in my early 20's and I would work out but I would drink coffee.... It helped give me energy and I was happy and healthy..... After all these years of being told not to drink coffee it was hard to start...but I looked up good and bad things about drinking coffee and the good out weighed the bad. It helps with digestion, it helps with DEPRESSION!!!! so I drink coffee I don't have to have it everyday and I don't.. but once in a while it really soothes my soul.... I have weaned myself off my anti depressants.... I have quit taking my cholestrol medication.... I HAVE Started exercising (LOVE THE 21 day fix program of eating healthy and exercising........ I am eating healthy!! I FEEL Better than I have felt in a LONG time! I am happy! I have emotions!! it's ok to have emotions!!!! and I started taking piano lessons! another thing on my bucket list!!! something I have wanted to start again since I quit taking them when I was 12 cuz I was scared I would have to play in a recital!!! LOL I love them and WANT to take piano lessons. I went on small mini vacations with my hubby! I realize vacations don't have to include the kids!! This is my time to get to know my husband again!!! and myself! We saw the beauty of Yellowstone park together!! Old Faithful! and realized people are all the same! just trying to live life..... and that God put some amazing things in this world... We went to Zions's National park and Kolob canyon and red rock canyon.. I saw the big rock candy mountain that I remembered from a vacation as a kid... I hiked up a mountain despite my fear of heights!!! LOVED it! I am happy...... truly happy, and whether I have a strong testimony of the gospel right now or not... I do have one of my Heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ and know they love me..... and they made this world for me ... and I love the beauty of the earth.
and My body is something that I need to take care of ... Heavenly Father made that too... and right now I'm taking care of it and staying healthy. I also don't drink diet soda so much any more and don't eat yogurt with aspartame... I drink tons of water! LOVE it. I haven't truly felt this good in a LONG long time.....Here's to my 21 day fix and my summer of finding myself..... and being healthy for the rest of my life......
Today is my 14th day of my 21 day fix....1st round.
Here are my before pictures...
These were takien last summer.... but my weight was the same then as before I started my fix... I will post more as my journey continues... and I'll post pictures as aI go.... Here's to making a change......
:)
