I guess I needed to change........

I am home sick today.... thought I would blog our experience from the last few weeks. I'm confused about it all and maybe I should have stuck with my first thoughts... I hold them special in my heart. But then I think why would I be inspired to drink coffee to help my depression and then be inspired to not drink it... hmmmm here's my story.

Sometimes when you are going along in life... I guess I would say coasting?? Just the ordinary things, sometimes something happens that is just what you needed. Maybe it's to humble us now and then? or make us realize just what is important?? I am not sure.... But if you read my blog, and have noticed my last few posts you know I have been struggling... with my faith and testimony. Well here is my past week experience.
It started a few weeks ago I guess... Jim had his usual checkups for work.
His checkups monitor his radiation exposure, and usually everything is great other than the slight protein that is found in Jim's urine. That's been going on for some time and so slight you can't see it. Anyway this time something showed up on his EKG that showed something wrong with his heart that usually shows up after a heart attack...Funny Jim didn't feel like he had had a heart attack. But the doc told him to take to his other doctor, Dr. Avondet who Jim sees once a year for his kidney / prostate function. So he did, and Dr. Avondet wanted to see Jim the next week rather than in July when his yearly appointment was. So at that appointment the EKG was weird so they scheduled a stress test on Friday, this was Wednesday. And the other Dr. called saying Jim's blood test returned ab normal with a high red blood cell count and that he wanted to do the test again.... on Friday.

this post was started a few months ago.... Today is Oct 2. I was still confused on everything that happened but in talking with friends and contemplating things in my head I have thoughts. But I will continue with my experience... and thoughts.
So the Monday following what had happened the last week, the Dr. that had ordered the stress test called... Jim told them he had done his stress test and was still waiting results... and the nurse interrupted and said this wasn't about his heart they were trying to figure out whether he had cancer or not... and wanted to know what onicologist he wanted to make an appointment with. So if shock he called me... and in shock I called my sister in law who is a retired nurse for names of a good Dr. After a few phone calls I called Jim and we cried together. It's scary being told that especially when Jim's dad passed away with colon cancer right before his 60th birthday... and Jim's Grandma Eve passes away in her late 70's from lung cancer.... we were scared... I proceeded to fast the rest of the day (this was at 10 am) and asked my good friend (who is the bishop's wife) if her husband and a friend could come give Jim a blessing.... which they did later that night. And they gave me one too. We both felt comfort for the moment and new we would have to go thru something but maybe not cancer..... We were both okay that night and the next day.
But Tuesday night as I kissed Jim goodnight I broke down... what if it was cancer? what would I do without him? It just couldn't be happening... I prayed .. and I prayed over and over again.. you know those panicked prayers that you give when you'd give anything if the out come could be good? that your wants and needs could be the only thing that matter?? I fell asleep and awoke early Wed. morning.. crying and panicked. Willing to give up coffee if Jim could be well... but then that helps with my depression... what was I going to  do?? I cried and prayed and Andy happen to come home from working nights at Sams and listened and we cried and I said 'what will I do with out my coffee" to help with depression?? I need it.. and Andy trying to lighten the mood said 'there's alway gin"... made us both laugh and cry some more.... finally, I thought ok... I will wipe my tears away and try and be strong.  (the Dr. called and we had an appointment with Dr. Hancock, an onicologist, Thursday afternoon)
I said another heart felt prayer before starting to shower and get ready for work.... I record conference talks, and started the one by Dale Renlund entitled "That I might Draw all Men Unto Me" from last April. I love listening to conference talks in the morning while getting ready, it's a quiet time before the day starts and I don't like listening to the news.... it can be quite spiritual. This talk hit me... I was listening like usual, and all of sudden I felt / heard a quiet voice say "do you love him more than me".. and I felt such sweet peace and warmth it was amazing....at first I struck with awe.... and thought to myself "do I love Jim more than Christ" ? I have always loved Christ... but recently maybe took that for granted?? and I have felt distant to him as well.... I was willing to give up coffee for Jim.. but was confused cuz I felt like that was an answer to my prayers earlier and why would I get the feeling it would help.. then give it up??? Plus talking with a good friend she said you don't make bargains with God .. and you really don't. I now realize my relationship with God and Christ had dwindled. My testimony had diminished.... I was struggling with my testimony in everything in the gospel. Another good friend told me once, 'you may not have a strong testimony in everything, so start with what you do know and go from there". So that is what I am doing... I have always had a strong testimony of prayer and that God and Christ know us and know what we need. But what I got from this experience is that I need to work on my relationship with Christ. I should have been able to say my prayer but say "thy will be done" and trust Him instead of making frantic pleas and bargaining. This last conference was amazing and hit home to my heart and the thoughts I'd been having. At least the talks I was able to listen to. I had prayed that I would get answers that  I needed before it started.... I need to Believe Christ.... and God and draw nearer unto them. I am working on that, that is what I where I will start.

As for the Cancer, we got to Dr. Hancock's office and had to wait and fill out paper work, all the while cancer patients came and went, my heart goes out to those that are fighting that battle... it's a scary thing. Then we got back to the Dr.s office in the room outside where they check your vitals, and there were posters on the wall with "everyday is a gift" and stuff and Jim broke down. My heart ached for him. Finally we got to see the Dr. and after spending a few minutes looking over Jim's blood work from the last few years and other reports he said. Well, I can take off my oncologist hat and put on my hematologist hat. It wasn't cancer!!!! Jim's body thinks it's not getting enough oxygen, so it produces extra red blood cells. Which causes headaches and the heart problems the EKG's were picking up. So they are doing sleep study's and found that Jim get's soo relaxed that his heart slows way down and then his brain jolts his body awake. So he isn't getting a good nights rest at all. They are still trying to figure out what to do and what to best help Jim sleep. Also donating blood is a good way to get rid of the extra red blood cells and it's a good thing to do to alleviate the headaches.
So glad it turned out with a good out come that is fixable. I thank my Heavenly Father and His Son in answering our prayers and helping this confused soul figure out what she needs in life.... After all , if you didn't have prayer and that comfort how could we go on??